Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Christmas 2019 -- You're Welcome




Dear Friends and Family, 

It is finally that time of year when we get to gloat in the successes of our family while you wonder how you can ever compare or motivate yourselves to achieve in a lifetime what we have managed to accomplish in one year.

Sheelagh began an accelerated second-degree nursing program this fall at Purdue and although she still has 3 semesters left she has already been scouted by the WHO- (The World Health Organization) AND the band, as they are trying to add a positive health message to their 2020 world tour https://www.thewho.com/tour/(Sheelagh does an amazing job on vocals!)

Dave is active at work trying to find support for the Purdue financial planning program. After some comprehensive due diligence, he has whittled the list down to three potential sponsors: Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, LLC., Jefferey Epstein’s exclusive charitable foundation, and Rosemont Seneca Partners, an international consulting firm with close ties to Ukraine and the Bidens. Fingers crossed!

It wasn’t until the negotiations between the White House and Mexico City fell through that we learned the real reason why Taylor’s assignment to the Texas, McAllen mission became necessary. Adamantly opposed to the notion that Mexico should pay for the border wall, Taylor’s inspired mission president in Chile sent his best negotiator (Elder Evans) to secretly meet with staff from both sides and “make it all just go away.” He is currently in the background check phase of training at the Central Intelligence Agency and may or may not have had a hand in the recent events on Capitol Hill. 

In response to a triple dog dare from her roommate, Grace infiltrated the gaggle of girls in “Provo’s most eligible”.  She was rising in the ranks and was a fan favorite until she revealed her preference for Aggie Ice Cream over whatever it is they serve at the BYU Creamery.  After she left, the bachelor was despondent and they had to cancel the remainder of that season. Back in Aggie territory, she catapulted to Spielburg level status after writing, directing and producing a series of mini-movies for the Utah State University LDS Institute of Religion. I mean, we can’t really say, but there are whispers of her name being floated around for an Emmy. Move over Grey’s Anatomy!!

Knowing that Harry was already pre-med in high school (not unlike Doogie Howser MD) the surgeon performing Lauren’s appendectomy this past summer was honored to have him scrub in. “Watching Harry was like learning to cook in Chef Ramsey’s own kitchen, only without the cussing!”  We do think Harry went a little too far when he stiched his initials (autograph) over the incision. Big brothers. Am I right?

After her near-death appendectomy experience, Lauren has a new lease on life. With this newfound verve, she started a non-profit organization for the now orphaned children of families torn apart by the recent college entrance scams called: Murals Without Morals. She is using her superior artistic abilities to both lift the spirits of the victims while simultaneously teaching them how to win scholarships by painting counterfeit art. 

Despite all of our profound successes, the pinnacle achievement of scoring a soccer goal has somehow eluded our family...until this year.  In a fantastic (but not surprising) feat of athleticism, Carter bicycle kicked a goal right into the sweet spot in the upper corner. It got a little weird when Dave ripped off his shirt and slid across the field. GOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!! In a ridiculously fortunate turn of events, both Ernesto Valverde and Ole Gunnar Solskjær were in town and happened to be watching the game. Offers from multiple European youth clubs have been pouring in ever since.

In his old age, Mr. Moseby (the cat) is trying to give back to the community through a local advice column “Ask Moseby: Ageless wisdom from my 9 lives”.  He plans to market Moseby Swag™ and donate all the proceeds to Helping Hands Monkey Helpers https://monkeyhelpers.org/.

After becoming a social influencer and hitting 100 million subscribers, Hobo Joe (the dog) has been asked to compete against Logan Paul and KSI in the first-ever influencer pay per view boxing match.  All proceeds will go to the 501st Legion who seek to “promote interest in Star Wars through the building and wearing of quality costumes, and to contribute to the local community through costumed charity and volunteer work."

We love you all and hope this inspires you to envy us as we live our best life in 2020!
Click the link to see us in action! https://youtu.be/4fXfJS_v6hQ



XOXO,
The Evans

Outtakes 

Speaking of Lauren’s appendectomy...we were pleased with her decision to ignore science and stay completely alert and awake during the surgery. Her pain was mitigated by clamping her teeth down on a small wooden rod. “If they survived back then,” she said, “I’ll survive today!” After a complete, three-hour, post-surgery recovery, she began questioning why she was vaccinated as a child and asking around about how to reverse the effects of her parent’s poor decision-making skills. “Also,” she inquired, “do we really know the earth is not flat?” 

After spending six months of his two year calling in the Texas, McAllen Mission, Taylor is saving for college by serving as a kind of reverse coyote down on the Texas/Mexico border reuniting kids separated from their deported parents. Local law enforcement and even I.C.E. agents (la migra) tend to be super supportive of the effort. 

After fielding many offers from several prestigious universities, Grace chose to attend USU aka the “West Point of the west”.  

After returning home from serving a 2-year mission, Taylor started a new songwriting venture and plans to write a follow up to Billie Eilish’s hit single “Bad guy” called “At least I didn’t buy my wife a Peloton for Christmas.” 

Thanks to the trade war and the tenuous relationship we have with Mexico, Taylor has been using the tunnels recently vacated by El Chapo to create a thriving black market avocado import business.
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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Hiking and Squirrel Hunting in the Creek

We took advantage of some perfect weather this afternoon and hiked about a half mile up the creek bed.  We brought some air soft guns to make the walk more interesting but they just slowed us down.  I think Sheelagh could be a cover girl for Cabela's!  All of these photos were taken on our property.




Wednesday, September 18, 2013

So many Projects so little time

So, here we are at our new house.  I love it.  unlike our last house it was move in ready.  That said, I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a list a mile long as to what I want to do to the house and surrounding land.  My first and easiest project I will post later was to paint a movie screen onto the wall. Job 1 of about 40 hopeful project.....check.  Good thing we are planning on living here forever:)

For now, my loooong list will just have to wait.  I am going to school and taking care of my mom who moved in with us a month ago.  My first school break is coming up in a few weeks and I am torn between doing absolutely nothing but lounge in bed and read and painting the small section of wood that is in the front of our house.....it is red...bizzare.  The rest of the house has siding that is a nice neutral color, but the front of the house has a red brick half way up and then vertical wood planks the rest of the way that are painted red.  ick.  Not my favorite look.  SO I am debating---- white or the beige?  What do you think?  I suppose a picture would make it easier to decide, right?  Maybe the next time I am supposed to be studying but can't look at the properties of joint capsules or connective tissues anymore I will post a picture :)