Dear Friends and Family,
It is
finally that time of year when we get to gloat in the successes of our family
while you wonder how you can ever compare or motivate yourselves to achieve in
a lifetime what we have managed to accomplish in one year.
Sheelagh
began an accelerated second-degree nursing program this fall at Purdue and
although she still has 3 semesters left she has already been scouted by the
WHO- (The World Health Organization) AND the band, as they are trying to add a
positive health message to their 2020 world tour https://www.thewho.com/tour/(Sheelagh does an amazing job on vocals!)
Dave
is active at work trying to find support for the Purdue financial planning
program. After some comprehensive due diligence, he has whittled the list down
to three potential sponsors: Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, LLC., Jefferey Epstein’s exclusive charitable foundation, and
Rosemont Seneca Partners, an international consulting firm with close ties to
Ukraine and the Bidens. Fingers crossed!
It
wasn’t until the negotiations between the White House and Mexico City fell
through that we learned the real reason why Taylor’s assignment to the Texas,
McAllen mission became necessary. Adamantly opposed to the notion that Mexico
should pay for the border wall, Taylor’s inspired mission president in Chile
sent his best negotiator (Elder Evans) to secretly meet with staff from both
sides and “make it all just go away.” He is currently in the background check
phase of training at the Central Intelligence Agency and may or may not have
had a hand in the recent events on Capitol Hill.
In
response to a triple dog dare from her roommate, Grace infiltrated the gaggle
of girls in “Provo’s most eligible”. She was rising in the ranks and was
a fan favorite until she revealed her preference for Aggie Ice Cream over
whatever it is they serve at the BYU Creamery. After she left, the
bachelor was despondent and they had to cancel the remainder of that season.
Back in Aggie territory, she catapulted to Spielburg level status after
writing, directing and producing a series of mini-movies for the Utah State
University LDS Institute of Religion. I mean, we can’t really say, but there
are whispers of her name being floated around for an Emmy. Move over Grey’s
Anatomy!!
Knowing
that Harry was already pre-med in high school (not unlike Doogie Howser MD) the
surgeon performing Lauren’s appendectomy this past summer was honored to have
him scrub in. “Watching Harry was like learning to cook in Chef Ramsey’s own
kitchen, only without the cussing!” We do think Harry went a little too
far when he stiched his initials (autograph) over the incision. Big brothers.
Am I right?
After
her near-death appendectomy experience, Lauren has a new lease on life. With
this newfound verve, she started a non-profit organization for the now orphaned
children of families torn apart by the recent college entrance scams called:
Murals Without Morals. She is using her superior artistic abilities to both
lift the spirits of the victims while simultaneously teaching them how to win
scholarships by painting counterfeit art.
Despite
all of our profound successes, the pinnacle achievement of scoring a soccer
goal has somehow eluded our family...until this year. In a fantastic (but
not surprising) feat of athleticism, Carter bicycle kicked a goal right into
the sweet spot in the upper corner. It got a little weird when Dave ripped off
his shirt and slid across the field. GOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!! In a
ridiculously fortunate turn of events, both Ernesto
Valverde and Ole Gunnar Solskjær were in town and happened to be watching the
game. Offers from multiple European youth clubs have been pouring in ever
since.
In
his old age, Mr. Moseby (the cat) is trying to give back to the community
through a local advice column “Ask Moseby: Ageless wisdom from my 9
lives”. He plans to market Moseby Swag™ and donate all the proceeds to
Helping Hands Monkey Helpers https://monkeyhelpers.org/.
After
becoming a social influencer and hitting 100 million subscribers, Hobo Joe (the
dog) has been asked to compete against Logan Paul and KSI in the first-ever
influencer pay per view boxing match. All proceeds will go to the 501st Legion who seek to “promote interest in
Star Wars through the building and wearing of quality costumes, and to
contribute to the local community through costumed charity and volunteer
work."
We love you all and hope this inspires you to envy us as we
live our best life in 2020!
XOXO,
The Evans
Outtakes
Outtakes
Speaking
of Lauren’s appendectomy...we were pleased with her decision to ignore science
and stay completely alert and awake during the surgery. Her pain was mitigated
by clamping her teeth down on a small wooden rod. “If they survived back then,”
she said, “I’ll survive today!” After a complete, three-hour, post-surgery
recovery, she began questioning why she was vaccinated as a child and asking
around about how to reverse the effects of her parent’s poor decision-making
skills. “Also,” she inquired, “do we really know the earth is not
flat?”
After
spending six months of his two year calling in the Texas, McAllen Mission,
Taylor is saving for college by serving as a kind of reverse coyote down on the
Texas/Mexico border reuniting kids separated from their deported parents. Local
law enforcement and even I.C.E. agents (la migra) tend to be super supportive
of the effort.
After
fielding many offers from several prestigious universities, Grace chose to
attend USU aka the “West Point of the west”.
After
returning home from serving a 2-year mission, Taylor started a new songwriting
venture and plans to write a follow up to Billie Eilish’s hit single “Bad guy”
called “At least I didn’t buy my wife a Peloton for Christmas.”
Thanks to the trade war and the tenuous relationship we have
with Mexico, Taylor has been using the tunnels recently vacated by El Chapo to
create a thriving black market avocado import business.
.
